he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
