nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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