one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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