just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
