Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She told me I should be a condom model.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize