upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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