words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
