I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
