3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
