i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
