How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
