ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
