My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
