I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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