I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
