Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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