guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
