she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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