sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
