and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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