no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
