I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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