No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
