I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
