If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize