Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
