we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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