I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
