I just threw up on my dentist
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
