my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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