marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
