This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
