so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
