I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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