Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
