She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
