I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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