Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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