So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So squirting runs in the family.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
