I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
