man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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