I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
