worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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