chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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