Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
