Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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