hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Green mimosas i think yes
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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