I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
