I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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