THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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