when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
