I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
