Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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