So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
