She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
