Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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