I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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