I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
